ENGLAND
LANGUAGE ANGUISH

CRISPS ARE CHIPS
AND CHIPS ARE FRIES
HUMPS ARE BUMPS
THAT’S NO SURPRISE

MIND YOUR HEAD
AND WATCH YOUR GROYNES
HAS NOTHING AT ALL
TO DO WITH LOINS

JELLO IS JELLY
AND JELLY IS JAM
A BISCUIT’S A COOKIE
A PASTIES NOT SPAM

THE SECOND FLOOR
IS REALLY THE FIRST
ENTER A PUB
TO QUENCH YOUR THIRST

A BONNET’S A CAR HOOD
A COACH IS A BUS
A FORTNIGHT IS TWO WEEKS
MAKES NO SENSE TO US

SOCCER IS FOOTBALL
TO HIRE IS TO RENT
A JUMPERS A SWEATER
A POUND IS WELL SPENT

YOU OPEN A BROLLY
WHENEVER IT RAINS
AND HEAD FOR THE LOO
TO RELIEVE GAS PAINS

TRAINERS ARE SNEAKERS
A LORRY’S A TRUCK
AND BUYING SOME SWEETS
COSTS MORE THAN A BUCK

THE UNDERGROUNDS A SUBWAY
A HOLE IN THE GROUND
AND SUBWAYS’ A PASSAGE
TO HELP GET YOU AROUND

A ROUNDABOUT’S A ROTARY
THAT KEEPS GOING ROUND
A BEEFEATER’S A GUARD
NO GIN TO BE FOUND

A STORE IS A SHOP
WHERE YOU GO ‘TIL YOU DROP
CLASSES ARE LESSONS
SO AT LIFE YOU DON’T FLOP

A TAXI’S A HACKNEY
THAT GIVES ONE A RIDE
AND GRADES ARE CALLED MARKS
THAT MAKE YOU SO WISE

A DUSTBIN’S A TRASHCAN
PETROL IS GAS
PUDDING IS DESSERT
WHICH FEW CAN PASS

A SMART MAN
IS A BRILIANT CHAP
AND THE COVER YOU PUT
ON YOUR KNEES IS A LAP

A LIFT TAKES YOU UP
A SAUCE PANS A POT
BLIMEY MEANS SOMETHING
BUT WE DON’T KNOW WHAT

A TORCH IS A FLASHLIGHT
A WAISTCOATS A VEST
MATEY’S FOR SAILORS
AND FANNY’S THE BEST

A MEAN CHAPS A CHEAPSKATE
A TART’S NOT A BUN
A NAPPY’S A DIAPER
AND THAT’S NOT MUCH FUN

A BOOT IS YOUR CAR TRUNK
A BOTTOM IS YOUR REAR
SHANDY’S A DRINK
WITH LEMONADE AND BEER

MOBILE’S YOUR CELL PHONE
A GARDEN YOUR YARD
W.C.’S A BATHROOM
WHEN WILLY’S ON GUARD

ODDS AND ENDS ARE BITS AND PIECES
GIVEWAY MEANS TO YIELD
TA MEANS SEE YOU LATER
AND HEATHER S IN THE FIELD

KNOCKUP MEANS CALL ON ME
PLUS-FOURS ARE KNICKERS
A TROLLEY IS A SHOPPING CART
AND TOFS ARE CITY SLICKERS

BUBBLE AND SQUIRT ARE LEFTOVERS
TWO UP AND TWO DOWN A FLAT
A WINDSCREEN SITS IN FRONT OF A CAR
AND A COVER IS A HAT

FOOT BALL IS SOCCER
AND THEN THERE IS CRICKET
NO WAY TO EXPLAIN
A STICKY WICKET

DESPITE THE STRANGE WAY
THEY TALK IN GREAT BRITAIN
ONCE YOU’VE BEEN THERE
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE SMITTEN
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